I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
