watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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