I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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