I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
