Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My liver just had a heart attack.
We left the knife in your bed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize