The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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