you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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