I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
