woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
