i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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