hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm just crazy horny about you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize