I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
