my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
