Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
