Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
