capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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