the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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