There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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