my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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