I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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