I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
