Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize