I think scott just propositioned me for sex
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize