Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
