Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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