But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
