its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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