OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
