Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
