Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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