my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
