its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
