happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
