My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
