I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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