Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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