Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
