New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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