New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize