I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
