What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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