Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
