this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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