I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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