so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
