what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize