She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
