I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he fucked my hip out of place.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I could fuck to npr.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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