I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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