you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
