he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
