I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
