He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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