Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i think im in europe. pls send help
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
