Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
