I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
