Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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