He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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