Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
