I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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