Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
barbara walters just said penis...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize